Beacuse it won't bloom into a rose right away...

hahen @ 2006-11-05T22:32:00

2006-11-05T22:32:41Z

Present time – I remember now why I made this journal. Nothing seriously bad has happened really, so I’ve not updated in a while. But then something did so…

If things really become a problem I’ll post this on my regular journal by way of explanation to my friends. However, I don’t really want people I know and see every day to know at the moment. I don’t want to seem melodramatic or anything.

05/11/06 – 01:06pm

I must look truly hideous right now but I don’t really care.

Mum’s left. She grabbed her bag and her keys and left and I’m scared because she’d had a lot to drink tonight and I just don’t want her to hurt anyone.

We had Catherine and David over and we did fireworks and everything was fun and nice and then there were just so many bottles of wine and she started making assumptions, many regarding me.

I didn’t insinuate she had had too much. When we moved onto the third bottle I said she already had wine in her glass: finish it.

This got twisted into her having had too much to drink. She screamed at us when Catherine and David left and Dad yelled back and I sat in the corner for as long as I could but for most of the evening I had been trying to not grab the edges of her face and pull really hard until everything came off but I didn’t because that would not be a good thing so I waited until I couldn’t bear in anymore.

I’ve been crying half an hour straight, I’m sorry if this doesn’t make sense but I can’t stop. I don’t want to stop because if I do stop I’ll have to think and I don’t want to because it scares me so badly.

I don’t’ even know where Dad is. I don’t know if he tried to follow her, and Matt isn’t here and there’s no one I can talk to and I’m so scared and I don’t’ want to go out of my room because I’m scared. And I want to scream but I can’t I’m just stuck with crying and twisting my face really strangely…

I really wish she wouldn’t drink so much but right now all I want is for her to come home safe that’s all.

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Matt came back and gave me hugs and I’ve calmed down a little, if not by much. You can tell I’m a bit highly-strung because of how fast I’m typing this. Seriously. Like whoa.

So armed with water, tissues and loud music (because Matt and Dad are watching a film downstairs I’d really rather not watch and I’d rather be alone anyways) I’m going to try to bump up my NaNo word count.

In the meantime I’m still debating whether or not to post this. It depends, really, on how things go in the next few days. We’ll see, I guess.

I’m still a bit liable to burst into tears at anytime.

FIFTY MINUTES LATER (AFTER THE FIRST HALF-HOUR)

There was noise on the stairs; I can’t decide if it was Matt or Dad or her, but I don’t want to talk to her right now. I don’t even want to see her face.

Nano wordcount is up to 1400.

It wasn’t her, it was Dad.

Want to go on the internet, but can’t, just in case there’s a call.

I wonder who she went to.

TEN MINUTES

Realise I don’t actually like having people around me when I’m having a moment. Althogh I feel horrible and desperate and sad, I need to get it out alone. Being around people makes me feel like I have to calm down, for their sake, to make them feel like they’re doing something for me.

Doesn’t help, really.

I need to get some shoes for Titania. We have a shoot on Monday.

The students lay neere unto the hall wherein Doctor Faustus lay, and they heard a mighty noyse and hissing, as if the hall had beene

full of snakes and adders. With that, the hall-doore flew open,

wherein Doctor Faustus was, that he began to cry for helpe,

saying, Murther, murther! but it came forth with halfe a voyce,

hollowly: shortly after, they heard him no more. But when it was

day, the students, that had taken no rest that night, arose and

went into the hall, in the which they left Doctor Faustus; where

notwithstanding they found not Faustus, but all the hall lay

sprinkled with blood, his braines cleaving to the wall, for the

devill had beaten him from one wall against another; in one corner

lay his eyes, in another his teeth; a pittifull and fearefull

sight to behold. Then began the students to waile and weepe for

him, and sought for his body in many places. Lastly, they came

into the yard, where they found his body lying on the horse-dung,

most monstrously torne and fearefull to behold, for his head and

all his joynts were dashed in peeces.

15:35

Slept until about 12, but didn’t budge from my bed til now. Someone came up and had a shower about half two. I went down to talk to Dad but she was in the front room so – huh, no chance.

I don’t know if I’m angry with her or not. I just don’t want to talk to her right now, because I really don’t think I can.

Anyway, I have the cat for company.

hahen @ 2006-08-12T17:48:00

2006-08-12T16:54:15Z

-_- News.

1) David has the more severe form of MND. About two years, at a push.

2) Sinead is pregnant.

3) No news yet on Mike.

4) I think that’s about it.

It’s not nice when you see people, and see less and less of them every time you visit. When they seem to… I don’t know, waste away between visits, even if those visits aren’t that far apart?

Yeah, I’m babbling on now, but that’s how it is at the moment. In fact, I’m lying, that’s how it’s been for a while.

You know, it amuses me how much I’ve started leaving out of my other live journal. I tend to leave a lot out of my own journals too. I’ve just cut out a bunch of pages and decided to start again. Shame life’s not so easy.

*head bash* Gah.

We’re going to visit the Saudons tonight – don’t know when we’re next going up to Leeds, but it’s not as if we’re going to see Sinead anyway. Oh yes I do – we’ll be going up in a couple of weeks to get the key for the caravan.

I’m going to look into language courses at King Edwards’ too. Japanese! *victory dance* And something else. Probably modern Greek.

And I have to start looking at universities. Damn it.

Gargh.

2006-08-04T01:36:09Z

Deviant art can't decide whether or not it's being maintained. Which is a shame cos i wanted to post something O_O

*moments later* No longer being maintained, but all the menus are wonky.

*a bit more later* Wonky menus aside, I'm still trying...

*connection times out* 'Blaaahst'

*is eaten by lions* Double 'Blaahst'

*DA crashes after she's written a HUGE commentary on the pic* FSKN...

*uploading...*

*uploading...*

Whoooo! Half an hour after starting this entry, I FINALLY get it uploaded.

And I bet it's a disappointment.

Not that anyone's going to look anyway.

hahen @ 2006-07-27T00:03:00

2006-07-26T23:05:54Z

And now I shall away to othela

:p Farewell!

(whoo, updating spree. Kind of)

I am angry, deal with it.

2006-07-26T22:56:02Z

So David had his final two tests yesterday and has a diagnosis. Mike ALSO went to hospital yesterday with, what was assumed to be, a hip injury of some kind (Obviously Ian was beside himself with worry, plus angry that she'd not chosen to do anything about it before.)

David was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease, and Mike with bone cancer.

*bangs head* I mean, WHAT THE HELL IS IT?

'Fucking fucked up' is what it is, in mine and Yang's words... although most people are saying that it's 'such a shame' - I hate it when people do that. Oh dear. Never mind. Let's have another beer and forget about it.

*sigh* Ruth and Josh saw Ian when they went up - the guy was distraught. IAN.

And I know Catherine would put a brave face on it, but it's... just gotta be killing her.

Gah, sorry. I'm just going to keep saying the same things over and over.

'O spite! O hell!'

Huh. It's raining and dark already.

2006-07-22T16:47:39Z

Or nearly. And we're supposed to be having people over for a barbequeue (A word I've never been able to spell properly).

And we have rain. And blunder. And frightening.

(To the sane ones among us, that's thunder and lightning. Very very frightening MEE!)

Yes. So SOME PEOPLE got me thinking about university. *is scared for results day* - because I have to get good results in order for Oxford to even ENTERTAIN the idea of accepting me.

I need B-grades at the very least, and those need to be in the subjects I'm taking on next year. I've been trying to figure out what my grades will be, and since I pretty much aced my coursework tasks for English and Classics, and gave some half-decent answers in the exams, I suppose my grade stands at a C or so.

Which leaves Philosophy and Music as HUGE-ASS grey areas because… well… gargh.

*sigh*

So I need to look into University options. Mum and Dad reckon I can risk one of my choices on Oxford. Hey, it’ll look good to the other universities, and even if they don’t accept me, there are still plenty of other good ones. It’s just a matter of finding them.

No really, it is. I have to list open days and stuff so I can actually go and visit them.

Dad thinks Edinbugh’s website shows a lack of organisation and I should reconsider my choice.

Huh. I have plenty of time – until THE END OF FREAKIN’ SEPTEMBER because OXFORD HAS TO HAVE ITS APPLICATIONS IN EARLY AND SINCE I’M DOING IT THROUGH UCAS (which doesn’t seem to have me registered O_o I need to fix that) I HAVE TO HAVE EVERYTHING ELSE PICKED TOO.

*breathes out*

Now you may understand why I’ve made a separate journal. Because I don’t want people going ‘whoa, chill’ or ‘argh’ or ‘*gets straightjacket*’ – I’m freakin’ serious about this. This is my future and I don’t’ want to mess it up like some people have. I don’t want to be hopelessly searching for jobs a year from now because I KNOW with my pathetic grades I won’t be able to do anything about them (I’m not thinking about any brother in particular, really I’m not).

And there’s pressure. Freakin’ pressure, damn it, because everyone says I ‘should’ get good grades, I ‘should’ go to a good university, and I ‘should’ be this, that and the other, and I want to live up to all that. I don’t want all the crap I’ve had to go through to be all for nothing. The bullies and the teachers leaving midway through a term, the head teachers being so… so damn patronising. Yes, we’ll do something about it. Our program will gradually eradicate any problems so when you send YOUR children to our school, we’ll be almost done ironing out the last few creases.

Ugh. I didn’t mean for this to turn into a rant, but I needed to let it all go.

So what I have to do is simple:

Apply for Universities.

Get prospectuses.

Check out the courses.

Go to some open days.

Get my grades.

Make the arrangements I need to improve those grades if I can.

Be more organised and work my socks off this year.

And thanks again to SOMEONE for making me want to get a Shaman King icon.

Oh dear. Dad's trying to put up our gazebo outside. In the rain. Someone should really go help him.

Today's entry will be brought to you by a SHITload of links.

2006-07-18T21:26:01Z

I was very amused when I saw this over my father’s shoulder yesterday afternoon:

‘A Taste of Home in Rochester USA’

Rochester… now, why is that familiar???

:p I’m also doing a massive uploadathon today… with pics from Milton Keynes (for the love of the Gods, Chloe, please don’t make The Joke.) and my parents twenty fifth… and some of the god-awful pictures I’ve churned out over the past few months (Although I have noticed to slight improvement…)

Acutally, since Photobucket is taking so long, it might just be the choice ones below...

As for my art...

When I copy someone elses, it's good.
When I do my own, it's bad.
Although there are exceptions.

I’m going to post some more links, so get ready… Oh, and my comments may be quite long, too. It’s ten to one, don’t kill me ^__^ Course this won’t be uploaded til Tuesday, so it doesn’t really matter O_o)

Matt, Mum and I – Milton Keynes City centre.

Me in my favourite clothes… and hairstyle (I’m not a fan of my fringe at the moment, and I’m planning on growing it out. And my hair was newly dyed that day, too ^__^) That’s Matt and Mumsy, too. And an old man gicing us a dirty look in the background. There were chavs too. Even MK has chavs.

Mind you, my Dad was acting like a tourist, taking pics everywhere.

This is Milton Keynes City Centre. And I am serious. I’m seriously in danger of belabouring my point (and Patricio would know…) but Milton Keynes was a ‘created’ town. And while I got the ‘homey’ feeling initially, it soon struck me – pretty hard – just how artificial the town was. There was nothing NATURAL, really. (As a Geography student, I know how towns ‘grow’ and so on… but there is no HISTORY in Milton Keynes.

Now, it just so happens there was a HUGE Jacuzzi show in the main plaza that day. But last time I was there ^__^ It was Christmas. We were stopping by on our way to the Londoners’ (and that day I was wearing… a white shirt, a red cardigan with little ladybird buttons that Nana made me, and a red kilt/skirt) and there was a Thomas the Tank Engine show – replica trains, tracks, everything. And we all went on the trains – Matt, Alex (sort-of below) and I.

Don’t pull that face. I was about four years old.

Just to give you an idea of the size of the place, there were at least SIX more plazas of about that size, not counting the places where the corridors intersect. There is also and outside section and a… water feature. Where people were camping, for some reason. The Centre extends across the main road, and each row of shops was about… well Sheffielders, take the distance from Debenhams to Argos, and you’re about right. And there were places where there were three or more end to end.

Me, Matt and Dad, and you’ll see that chavs over my Dad’s left hand (on my shoulder)

Look at the hair. You see, there’s a reason my Dad was mistaken for Bill Clinton everywhere in Malaysia.

… and we’re in matching jeans.

A couple more links from MK – Alex’s Mum (cos he was away at Uni – and he’s only a day older than my brother!) – and St Albians… SPREAD YOUR ARMS, MATT!!! (kidding!)

The 25^th: Setting out. Mum and Dad…. And the cat who couldn’t bear to be left out! (Can’t see Cat? See my Mum’s right hand? Look down)

Our table. We were HOODLUMS that night ^__^ from the far, FAR left, Chris (in red), Adele, Fern (Matt), Neave, and Andy-so-hitting-on-Ruth.

Peeps!!! Andy and Ruth again, Trev, Adam, and if you look in the bottom left corner, that’s Chloe’s hand.

I’m glad people were in high spirits! Andy, Ruth, Patricio and Trev. I’m amused that every picture of Trev came out with the demon eyes of redness. That’s my grandad’s head in the background.

(ther were going to be others but... Photobucket died O_o)

sigh

2006-07-16T22:15:37Z

David's really not well at all. Everyone's worried. He has two more tests, then we find out.

Mum and Dad think they're playing it down - that it's something really serious. And from what I feel, I agree.

On Friday, Dad has a producion team meeting... and he may get to find out the cast ahead of time. Whoo ^__^

yawn

2006-07-14T12:51:08Z

I'd rant, but I can't be bothered. The outline is thus-wise.

1) Ill
2) Gotta go to a vocal session tonight.
3) My mum won't let me NOT do the warm ups, even though I can barely speak, let alone sing.
4) I should have been born a seal. Or a monkey. Or something that can perform.

-_-

In other news... my layout hurts my eyes. Well, not really. It's just weird. Everything's aligned differently - not wrongly, just... differently.

*thinks for anything she can add*

Oh yeah. And I need to learn to write or draw or something. I've tried writing my ideas, MASSIVE writers block prevents me from liking anything other than my background, and I toyed with doing it as a manga instead and...

Well, I'd show you if I wasn't so ashamed. Think... think Rukia's bunny-pictures, only worse. SO much worse.

I need to get Matt to set up that DVD player so I can watch Bleach, now.

Hmm...

2006-07-13T18:25:48Z

My first entry in a new journal makes me want to say something profound. Sadly, I can't be profound without sounding like a whiny little kid... which is kind of what this journal is for.

Yeah. Back out now if you know what's good for you.

Well, whatever... this is my livejournal. Mine. Not 'Chi's' livejournal. If you don't know what that means, don't worry. Just me trying to distinguish myself from... myself.

And now you all think I'm schizophrenic, huh? ^_^

No, I'm not all doom and gloom. I just want to make sure everyone knows what they're in for, because in my last journal, I feel like I was holding back. A lot.

Which is why all ~~entries~~ ramblings from here on in will be filtered as friends only. I don't want to inflict my weirdness on the general public, do I? So if you really feel you want to let yourself in for this, add me, and let me know about it (comment here!). It won't ALL be doom and gloom, promise! I'm just an incredibly weird person.

What can I say? College twisted me.